The Wanderer

Well it's been two years of wandering. I hope that doesn't mean I have 38 to go! Two years ago we left Kingman, went to Ohio, stayed a few months and returned to Arizona in June, 2007. This has been such a lonely time with a lot of disappointments and challenges. The obvious challenge is Wes' bladder cancer but the unexpected disappointment was in relationships. I'm still trying to get a handle on that.

But today I am realizing this time of solitude (for lack of a better description) is perhaps bearing fruit. I am beginning to identify myself, my purpose and my way of living living following Jesus. Perhaps much of what I had done up to 2004 was based on other people's agendas for me. Maybe not so much because they intended to put their agenda on me but if someone (me) doesn't have a strong self identity and worth - it is easy to assume that of others.

And "the church" and its leaders found me ready to accept their ideology in just how this life should look. From the style of church I would attend to the roles I would assume in ministry. And much good came from that but there was also a lot of dysfunction. Two years away from active staff participation affords a different perspective.

But back to the isolation and wandering. I have tried so many ways to try to understand what God wants. Reading the bible, reading good books, counseling, talking to people I respect, seeking advice from friends. Trying to get it right so that this painful time would end. And yet I am still wondering about the wandering.

Henri Nouwen writes in "The Way of the Heart" that "solitude is the place of purification and transformation, the place of great struggle and the great encounter. Solitude is not simply a means to end. Solitude is its own end. It is the place where Christ remodels us in his own image and frees us from the victimizing compulsions of the world." (emphasis added)

Perhaps for the first time today I am valuing this period of wandering for the life changing experience it is. Let's face it - if anyone had put the words "Cindy Miller" and "works at hospice" in the same sentence a few years ago a riot of laughter would have erupted. Compassion and mercy are not my gifts. In fact last week I told Wes about his upcoming biopsy "it's not like they are taking a lung out...relax".

But something is changing in me and I see it in my work with hospice. Spending time with people who are in their final days on earth, people who have very limited ability to communicate but visibly respond to the reading of a Psalm or a prayer offered for them is doing something in me that 17 years of reading and asking and trying to accomplish hasn't done. Something is changing in me as a result of wandering and solitude.

Maybe I haven't been as alone as I thought!

Coaching...Getting Started

In "Today Matters", John Maxwell writes that there are about 10 or 12 decisions we need to make in life and once we have done that, future choices are much easier. Once our values and beliefs are clear and a part of us, future decision making falls into place. We no longer have to make a BIG decision - we make choices and decide based on those beliefs and values we've already decided we live by.

It makes sense if you think about it. Prior to starting the coaching process I definitely had a knowledge of my beliefs and values. Coaching helped me refine them, write them, and evaluate if the life I'm living is really in sync with them. Sure, my short term goals will change over time, but there are some nonnegotiables about who I am and what I believe at the foundation that are solid and unchanging.

Practically speaking one of the first areas that I tackled in coaching was organization. I am one of those people who is all over the place. Physically, mentally, emotionally. And being scattered most of the time is tiring and not very productive. Tammy helped me do simple things like meal planning and daily schedules. She provided resources to help me design some organization systems that would work for me.

I did not intend to use coaching to help me organize my file cabinets. I intended to focus on my goal of starting a small business or ministry, such as getting a writing career launched. This led to various exercises on values, wants, needs, satisfaction level is areas of my life, figuring out what's most important to me and so forth.

All of which we are working on. And along the way some ancillary areas of life get brought under better management.

As I write this I feel scattered - I'm waiting to go to work at hospice and see four patients and the Direct TV guy has been here nearly four hours. Wes has been out getting medical tests to prepare for a biopsy.

All that to say - don't be surprised if you reach the end of this posting and it really doesn't make much sense. I'll come back to it later...someone once told me that done is better than perfect so I'm giving that a try :)

Key Goals

In order to become the person God designed me to be, to fully experience the life He intends and to be able to fulfill my God-given purpose I have set the following one year goals. I realize my life is a work-in-process and I want to enjoy the journey. These goals are fluid - they are not listed in order of importance and may be modified and adjusted as I come to greater understanding of myself. In order for me to set a goal I needed a clear understanding of why this particular category or endeavor was important. So what follows are my 8 key goals for the coming year:

1. Establish a ministry/small business - Why? So as not to need to be a paid church staff member to fulfill my purpose. - Identify the business/ministry and have training or education plan in place.
2. Recreation/Relationship - Why? To know and be known; to do life in community; to have joy no matter the circumstance. Deliberate time for fun with Wes; Make a few "couple" friendships; Hike Havasaupai Falls with Wes; Nurture those relationships that are meaningful to me.
3. Writing and Publishing - Why? I believe my gift for writing is useful for expanding the scope of ministry/purpose God calls me to. Find a "successful" writing mentor; learn about the world of publishing; write regularly - learn about using blog/web site to develop a reading audience; plan a book to write to be published within three years.
4. Financial - Why? To be able to give generously and plan wisely for the future. Budget for "normal" household operations; Financial plan to replace savings and retirement planning
5. Self - Why? Having been my own worst enemy I want to understand why I self-sabotage, get past that and then be able to help others do the same. Learn to be confident with who I am; be myself; develop my style; not succumb to the real or imagined opinion of others due to fear, self-doubt or lack of confidence/low self worth.
6. Organization - Why? Because messiness and clutter contribute to anxiousness and waste time. Set up for organized office; set up for organized home.
7. Health - Why? My body is the tool I have to use to accomplish God's purpose and I want to use it wisely so it will serve me well. Continue to reduce consumption of processed foods, plan meals, food preparation; figure out ways to deal with stress and anxiety without using food for comfort.
8. Spiritual - Why? The foundation of all I am and all I do - To never stop growing as a Christ-follower - to give God space to work in my life; for me to hear Him and respond. Plan for extended periods of solitude; deliberate reading for growth plan; specifically study Sermon on the Mount and the Fruits of the Spirit.

Promise of Hope

Some of my readers know I have been working with a life coach recently. I would like to share some of the changes taking place as a result.

First, you may wonder what the purpose of a life coach is, and if it is just one of the latest fads to come down the self help pike. That was one of my concerns too. Finding a coach that I would work well with, trust, and not just learn new information from but actually cause me to implement the right changes was a big concern. After lengthy searches and a couple of free telephone consultations I chose Tammy Cook, http://www.renaissanceminds.com/.

What most drew me to Tammy was the fact that she seemed to understand why people like me get stuck...and by "people like me" I am referring to those of us who are creative and full of ideas and plans and intention but often cannot settle down and get the idea launched or completed. Tammy's article on 10 ways to know if you are a "renaissance mind" is available on her website. Since a small part of the population falls into this creative category you might not be one....but you probably know a few and you probably wonder why this talented person cannot seem to get it together.

Thus, the need for a coach. Our first sessions of getting to know one another confirmed I made the right decision. We spent time clarifying expectations, needs, and goals. One of my first assignments, or "takeaways" as they are called in coaching, was to write my ten goals for the coming year. For someone like me putting a goal in writing is really tough. Having to be so specific scares me - what if I miss something important? But I did it. I don't have 10 goals, but eight plus one. Eight for me and one for work.

This is one of the few times I have been so clear on my goals and in the next post I'll share them with you. The goals set the foundation for our work together. We focus on two or three areas at a time, and interestingly - other areas just happen to improve too! That's a good outcome.

The LORD said through the prophet Jeremiah: For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Up to now I thought of that in a generic sense...now I know that God intends that not just for me...for each of us.