The Wanderer

Well it's been two years of wandering. I hope that doesn't mean I have 38 to go! Two years ago we left Kingman, went to Ohio, stayed a few months and returned to Arizona in June, 2007. This has been such a lonely time with a lot of disappointments and challenges. The obvious challenge is Wes' bladder cancer but the unexpected disappointment was in relationships. I'm still trying to get a handle on that.

But today I am realizing this time of solitude (for lack of a better description) is perhaps bearing fruit. I am beginning to identify myself, my purpose and my way of living living following Jesus. Perhaps much of what I had done up to 2004 was based on other people's agendas for me. Maybe not so much because they intended to put their agenda on me but if someone (me) doesn't have a strong self identity and worth - it is easy to assume that of others.

And "the church" and its leaders found me ready to accept their ideology in just how this life should look. From the style of church I would attend to the roles I would assume in ministry. And much good came from that but there was also a lot of dysfunction. Two years away from active staff participation affords a different perspective.

But back to the isolation and wandering. I have tried so many ways to try to understand what God wants. Reading the bible, reading good books, counseling, talking to people I respect, seeking advice from friends. Trying to get it right so that this painful time would end. And yet I am still wondering about the wandering.

Henri Nouwen writes in "The Way of the Heart" that "solitude is the place of purification and transformation, the place of great struggle and the great encounter. Solitude is not simply a means to end. Solitude is its own end. It is the place where Christ remodels us in his own image and frees us from the victimizing compulsions of the world." (emphasis added)

Perhaps for the first time today I am valuing this period of wandering for the life changing experience it is. Let's face it - if anyone had put the words "Cindy Miller" and "works at hospice" in the same sentence a few years ago a riot of laughter would have erupted. Compassion and mercy are not my gifts. In fact last week I told Wes about his upcoming biopsy "it's not like they are taking a lung out...relax".

But something is changing in me and I see it in my work with hospice. Spending time with people who are in their final days on earth, people who have very limited ability to communicate but visibly respond to the reading of a Psalm or a prayer offered for them is doing something in me that 17 years of reading and asking and trying to accomplish hasn't done. Something is changing in me as a result of wandering and solitude.

Maybe I haven't been as alone as I thought!

Coaching...Getting Started

In "Today Matters", John Maxwell writes that there are about 10 or 12 decisions we need to make in life and once we have done that, future choices are much easier. Once our values and beliefs are clear and a part of us, future decision making falls into place. We no longer have to make a BIG decision - we make choices and decide based on those beliefs and values we've already decided we live by.

It makes sense if you think about it. Prior to starting the coaching process I definitely had a knowledge of my beliefs and values. Coaching helped me refine them, write them, and evaluate if the life I'm living is really in sync with them. Sure, my short term goals will change over time, but there are some nonnegotiables about who I am and what I believe at the foundation that are solid and unchanging.

Practically speaking one of the first areas that I tackled in coaching was organization. I am one of those people who is all over the place. Physically, mentally, emotionally. And being scattered most of the time is tiring and not very productive. Tammy helped me do simple things like meal planning and daily schedules. She provided resources to help me design some organization systems that would work for me.

I did not intend to use coaching to help me organize my file cabinets. I intended to focus on my goal of starting a small business or ministry, such as getting a writing career launched. This led to various exercises on values, wants, needs, satisfaction level is areas of my life, figuring out what's most important to me and so forth.

All of which we are working on. And along the way some ancillary areas of life get brought under better management.

As I write this I feel scattered - I'm waiting to go to work at hospice and see four patients and the Direct TV guy has been here nearly four hours. Wes has been out getting medical tests to prepare for a biopsy.

All that to say - don't be surprised if you reach the end of this posting and it really doesn't make much sense. I'll come back to it later...someone once told me that done is better than perfect so I'm giving that a try :)

Key Goals

In order to become the person God designed me to be, to fully experience the life He intends and to be able to fulfill my God-given purpose I have set the following one year goals. I realize my life is a work-in-process and I want to enjoy the journey. These goals are fluid - they are not listed in order of importance and may be modified and adjusted as I come to greater understanding of myself. In order for me to set a goal I needed a clear understanding of why this particular category or endeavor was important. So what follows are my 8 key goals for the coming year:

1. Establish a ministry/small business - Why? So as not to need to be a paid church staff member to fulfill my purpose. - Identify the business/ministry and have training or education plan in place.
2. Recreation/Relationship - Why? To know and be known; to do life in community; to have joy no matter the circumstance. Deliberate time for fun with Wes; Make a few "couple" friendships; Hike Havasaupai Falls with Wes; Nurture those relationships that are meaningful to me.
3. Writing and Publishing - Why? I believe my gift for writing is useful for expanding the scope of ministry/purpose God calls me to. Find a "successful" writing mentor; learn about the world of publishing; write regularly - learn about using blog/web site to develop a reading audience; plan a book to write to be published within three years.
4. Financial - Why? To be able to give generously and plan wisely for the future. Budget for "normal" household operations; Financial plan to replace savings and retirement planning
5. Self - Why? Having been my own worst enemy I want to understand why I self-sabotage, get past that and then be able to help others do the same. Learn to be confident with who I am; be myself; develop my style; not succumb to the real or imagined opinion of others due to fear, self-doubt or lack of confidence/low self worth.
6. Organization - Why? Because messiness and clutter contribute to anxiousness and waste time. Set up for organized office; set up for organized home.
7. Health - Why? My body is the tool I have to use to accomplish God's purpose and I want to use it wisely so it will serve me well. Continue to reduce consumption of processed foods, plan meals, food preparation; figure out ways to deal with stress and anxiety without using food for comfort.
8. Spiritual - Why? The foundation of all I am and all I do - To never stop growing as a Christ-follower - to give God space to work in my life; for me to hear Him and respond. Plan for extended periods of solitude; deliberate reading for growth plan; specifically study Sermon on the Mount and the Fruits of the Spirit.

Promise of Hope

Some of my readers know I have been working with a life coach recently. I would like to share some of the changes taking place as a result.

First, you may wonder what the purpose of a life coach is, and if it is just one of the latest fads to come down the self help pike. That was one of my concerns too. Finding a coach that I would work well with, trust, and not just learn new information from but actually cause me to implement the right changes was a big concern. After lengthy searches and a couple of free telephone consultations I chose Tammy Cook, http://www.renaissanceminds.com/.

What most drew me to Tammy was the fact that she seemed to understand why people like me get stuck...and by "people like me" I am referring to those of us who are creative and full of ideas and plans and intention but often cannot settle down and get the idea launched or completed. Tammy's article on 10 ways to know if you are a "renaissance mind" is available on her website. Since a small part of the population falls into this creative category you might not be one....but you probably know a few and you probably wonder why this talented person cannot seem to get it together.

Thus, the need for a coach. Our first sessions of getting to know one another confirmed I made the right decision. We spent time clarifying expectations, needs, and goals. One of my first assignments, or "takeaways" as they are called in coaching, was to write my ten goals for the coming year. For someone like me putting a goal in writing is really tough. Having to be so specific scares me - what if I miss something important? But I did it. I don't have 10 goals, but eight plus one. Eight for me and one for work.

This is one of the few times I have been so clear on my goals and in the next post I'll share them with you. The goals set the foundation for our work together. We focus on two or three areas at a time, and interestingly - other areas just happen to improve too! That's a good outcome.

The LORD said through the prophet Jeremiah: For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Up to now I thought of that in a generic sense...now I know that God intends that not just for me...for each of us.

Hiking

That's not me there on the peak of that mountain, but that is where I was hiking today. And I did make it to the top of Piestewa Peak, elevation 2,608 feet. Total elevation gain for the summit trail is 1,190 feet in a 1.2 mile (one way) hike.

It was 90 degrees when we started. 90 minutes, two bottles of water and a temperature at 98 degrees, we were back at the bottom.

My tendency when hiking is to keep my head down and my eyes focused on the next place my foot will land. This particular trail has uneven stair like rock formations that sometimes are a real physical stretch without using my hands. With my head down I miss some of the scenery but after about 20 minutes I don't really care. What does matter, though, is that I do look up occasionally so as not to bump into a descending hiker and to know which fork in the trail to follow. I don't want to fall off the edge, either.

Seems there's a lesson in there for all of us.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121

What do you think?

Recently I was talking with some friends about the problem with motivation. John Maxwell would say "there is no such thing as motivation...whatever you need to do, just do it." Nike says "Just do it" when it comes to physical training. Lace up your shoes, hit the trails, and log the miles. Something in their ads obviously appealed to vast numbers of people who, whether exercising or not, wanted to wear Nike shoes. And the slogan, "Just Do It" became applicable to motivating athletes and motivating people in many areas of life that require taking initiative.

My friends and I wondered if it is always appropriate to just do it, or, are there times when that thinking does more harm than good. The thing is, there are many times that no matter how much I say "just do it" - I don't. I don't want to, I don't feel like it, you can't make me. I can't make me, or so it seems. And what really needs done isn't.

A few years ago I was training for my first marathon with the help of the book, The Non-Runners Marathon Trainer, a 16 week, four-day-a-week workout plan to help even the nonrunner cross the finish line at 26.2. Based on a marathon class offered by the University of Northern Iowa, approximately 200 students, all first time marathoners, crossed the finish line. The book offers nutrition advice, weekly running schedules and motivation techniques in a week by week, chapter by chapter format taking the runner from day one, three miles through race day preparation and celebration.

The most significant technique I learned in this program was the motivation technique in Week Two - Focus on the Positive, or "...but it doesn't matter." Admittedly, if you are not a positive person to begin with, staying positive in marathon training is exceptionally challenging. Recognizing that some beginning runners might tend to discount their efforts, the authors urge all the runners to develop a positive attitude. And if you don't naturally have one, they recommend using the following phrase whenever you catch yourself thinking or saying something negative: "...but it doesn't matter."

I began to practice that technique during my training runs. I'm facing a hill, it's going to be hard to run up it, I don't feel like trying, "...but it doesn't matter", and I run up the hill. Temperature, humidity, early runs to beat the heat, the price of Power Gel, "...but it doesn't matter" because I am doing this anyway.

To quote the authors, " It is very difficult to develop this attitude about training if you don't develop it in other aspects of your life. So we want you thinking "...but it doesn't matter" if you happen to slip and say something like "My boss is really getting on my nerves today,"...if we can develop a view of ourselves that includes the idea that we routinely overcome WHATEVER obstacles we face, we will, in fact, overcome most if not all of them."

I began to find myself saying things like "There are a lot of hills on this road, but it doesn't matter...", "But it doesn't matter that my running partner wants to do a track workout today and it's 95 degrees and 90% humidity, I'll go anyway."

To me, there's a profound difference between "...but it doesn't matter" and "Just Do It". That difference being we give ourselves room to consider what is going on, what we think about it and then make a choice to be an overcomer. "Just Do It" thinking implies there is no validity to our resistance...perhaps causing us to miss an important underlying issue.

Now I realize that simply saying something - whether "...but it doesn't matter" or "Just Do It" in and of itself changes anything. I know when I am resisting something. If I stop and think about it, I can figure out why. If I cannot figure it out on my own, I ask for help. The truth is, sometimes it just doesn't matter, I just need to do it!

Which do you prefer? "...but it doesn't matter" or "Just Do It". Why?

Baxter Wants to Play!

We moved in the new house on July 1st and are just about settled. Working out the kinks in storage and finding a new home for the scissors is done. We're in and going about a new routine.

Each morning Wes or I walk the dogs bright and early. Either way I also go for a short run. By the time I get back home the dogs have had just enough time to cool down and are ready to play. Baxter runs over to the door and waits while I get my first shoe and sock off. I no sooner put the sock in my shoe and he's off with it. Bailey chases him and then sees there is another sock coming. She gets that one. In a few minutes they've lost interest and the socks are safe again.

The dogs want to play and even though they have lots of room to run inside the house, they miss their doggie door. With that they could make the loops inside and out, without stopping. Over and over.

I want to play, too. Not so much with the dogs but people. Getting a new routine is about so much more than scissors or where to keep coffee mugs. I am reminded of our first weeks and months in Kingman and looking for a coffee shop, trying to find a running partner and wondering who will want to quilt. It came, eventually.

Preparation

Thoughts on Preparation from John Maxwell's book "Talent is Never Enough"

Spectacular achievement comes from unspectacular preparation.

No matter your circumstances, resources, or natural talent, certain things are always within your control – your ability to work harder and smarter than anybody else.

You can maximize your time if you know what you want to accomplish.

Maxwell: Every day, I read and file quotes, stories and idea starters. Every month, I draw upon those filed resources. Every year, I use some of those lessons to write new books. My productivity comes more from my preparation than anything else.

Many people believe that their greatest barrier to opportunity is having one, but the reality is that their greatest barrier is being ready when one arrives.

My personal favorite: If you believe that your success tomorrow depends on what you do today, then you will treat today differently.

Preparation does not mean master of the facts. It does not mean knowing all the answers…it means putting yourself in a better position to succeed.

If you don’t accurately evaluate where you need to do and what it will take to get there, then you’re like to get into trouble.
Find the right target
Assess the distance
Know the conditions
Know what it will take to get there

If you want to take your game to the next level – personally, professionally, relationally, or recreationally – you need to find someone who is better than you to help you with the preparation process.

You have to be able to see yourself doing it with your mind’s eye. If you can’t imagine it, you probably will not be able to achieve it.

Chchchanging

We're moving. Again!!?!? There - I said it before you got the chance! Yes, we've moved a lot in recent years and I've heard it all. "You must be an expert by now", "Can I use ink this time when I write down your new address?", "What! Again?".

I want to say this is the last time. I hope it will be. My desire and plan is that I won't move again - for a very long time. And I am excited and I do believe we will see our plans come to fruition and we will stay. And stay. Be connected, grow deep relationships.

What was behind all that moving? In hindsight, not always the best choices. But a wise friend says, "No one makes a bad decision on purpose". Thank you for that grace. Some of the moves were reactions. Like the time the senior pastor who was our friend and my boss and our pastor had inappropriate feelings for me...and told me. We moved. Following that was the grief and the depression and not knowing how to feel better, and we moved again. Another year+ later we came to Arizona for a fresh start. To the high desert in Kingman, which translates to brown earth, wind, dust, small town and people with no teeth. Had to love that. Being dumped in a church and left to figure it out with no support. And we had a good run there actually. Made a couple of my best friends. Left thinking the grass would be greener somewhere else. Not true then, it usually isn't. Tried a couple of really far-fetched places, sideswiped by Wes' cancer, got stuck, and finally, we move to Gilbert.

Not the land of greener grass and endless opportunities. It's the place we decided will be home. The place where we are choosing to dream big, plan well, move forward and have the life we long for. Connection, fulfillment, fun. We know it will bring new challenges but we are much stronger and wiser and not so easily wounded. We have been through a lot and are not ready to give up on having "the life you've always dreamed of". We welcome your visit.

Faith Without Action Would be Hopeless

My earlier post about the frequency with which I have been using "hopefully" regarding my circumstances, desires, plans and future has led to a couple of good conversations. Perhaps "hopefully" is shorthand for "I'm doing what I can, in faith that this is where God is leading and He will bless our efforts and we will see these outcomes."

Listening to a recent cd by speaker Jim Rohn I heard this: "Faith uninvested in labor is wasted." Faith is a good thing, depending of course on what you have faith in. But I'm talking about my faith in God, my belief that the bible is the true Word of God and on that foundation I placed my faith.

But faith that circumstances will change and will result in a desired outcome, by itself, is likely to disappoint. Faith without action is wishful thinking or happy thoughts. The book of James says faith without deeds is useless.

As I use the word - hopefully - I am stating that because of my faith and the actions I am taking as a result of my faith, I have every reason to hope and believe that the desired outcome will occur.

1 Thessalonians 1:3 We continually remember before God our Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by HOPE in our Lord Jesus Christ.

The Thong

Tonight I went to a "sculpting class" at the health club. I typically work out in the morning and try to do two of these weight lifting classes a week. I missed the one I usually attend so instead of trying to motivate myself through my own work out, I tried the evening class.

Six or so people are in the room when I arrive and I set up my step and gather my weights. Marissa won't be here. She's the regular teacher and I've worked out with her in the morning. She's pretty good. Tonight - we have a substitute.

I was given the impression she is a new teacher. That's okay, I thought. I'll be gracious even though she is out of sync with the music, performing movements that are not safe and is not at all challenging or motivating. About ten minutes into this I am ready to leave. I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be mean. If someone were to ask, I would suggest she get some coaching from a more experienced teacher.

Fifteen minutes in and I am not only convinced she is a new teacher, I am wondering if she ever attended a class before. At 20 minutes we get our mats, put them on the bench and do tricep dips, extensions, and an overhead press. One set of eight. Then we rest. Then repeat. Which wouldn't be bad if we were using more than 5 lb. dumbells. These classes are geared toward lighter weights and high reps. By 25 minutes I decide I need to refill my water bottle. Then came squats. Eight of them, then rest. She decided we needed something to help us stay balanced so we put our steps upright. No one needed anything to balance with. Whatever.

It was nearly 30 minutes into the 60 minute class and I'm saying over and over "You can waste my money, waste my food, waste my stuff --- I can get more. But don't waste my time!"

Okay, I'm a workout snob. I have been doing this in some form since Jacquie Sorenson started dance aerobics and I was in my early 20s. I've done them all - low impact, high impact, step, kickboxing, salsa, body sculpting, yogalates, pilates, power yoga, boot camp, spinning. I want a work out - I want to be challenged and I want the instructor to have at least a bit of potential to appear to be working harder than me. It's not happening tonight and I need to get a good workout in.

Finally, we're going to do some squats and lunges. Ahh, I thought, I can get through this. I'll go my own pace, use a heavier weight - this will work. And it might have. Until I saw her lime green thong....just put me over the top.

Hopefully

This morning after Wes and I spent some time talking I thought about how many times I thought or said "hopefully". Hopefully we will meet new people to invite to church; hopefully we will make friends with some couples; hopefully we will have great neighbors when we move; hopefully Wes will pass the Bar exam and hopefully he will have a great job with good income and benefits or start a practice that again, hopefully, takes off and is more lucrative than anything we have experienced in the past. Hopefully we get out of debt in the coming 12 months, repay our savings and have money for a down payment on a house. Hopefully.

So am I hopeful or wishing? Is my hope based on something other than, "gee these things would be nice"?. Hope based on nothing concrete is just a wish. Hope based on something solid has some basis to it.

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

How do I know if my hope is based on faith? How can I be certain? Does God need to "speak" to me and confirm it? Do I just claim it in faith? This is what we need; what we want to have happen and what we are working towards. Is that based on faith? Do I have a reason to be certain that even though I do not see this right now and have no idea how it will come about - that all of this is not just wishful thinking?

I value your comments and input. I believe this is what is going to happen and we are working toward it. Am I crazy?

High Priority

The seemingly small activities I engage in every day become my life. Same for you. When I think about that, I mean really think about it - it's kind of scary. This is my life, right here, right now. Not in a few weeks or months or years when I attain some goal. But now. So if the day to day isn't fulfilling, it stands to reason that the lifetime isn't going to be much better.

Having values and priorities and knowing how to really incorporate them into every day life is something I am just now learning how to do. It's part of the coaching I'm doing. Developing daily disciplines which, over time, become habits that result in the outcomes I am looking for.

Like meal planning. For years I have attempted and given up on meal planning and grocery shopping with a list. Saturday I asked Wes to make a dinner meal plan for one week. He did. We went through the fridge and pantry, made a grocery list and off he went. Three days in a row we have had good food and less stress.

This may not seem like much to you but good health is a high priority for us. Eating food that is nutritious became even more important last year when Wes was undergoing BCG treatment for bladder cancer. We were advised to get the sugar out. Avoid processed foods. And we have - Wes especially. But after our initial enthusiasm it was hard to think of what to eat, shop for what we would eat, prepare what we wanted to eat, and then eat it.

So meal planning isn't just about planning tomorrow's dinner. We are making one of our priorities real by planning nutritious food that tastes good and is easily available in our home.

Wes has responded well to his cancer treatment from traditional medicine and the immune support treatment from the naturopathic doctor. We both look and feel better. My mood swings are not nearly as erratic since eliminating most sugar and processed foods. I have more energy.

I am beginning to grasp that having a value and incorporating it in daily living doesn't happen by chance. Doing what we can to contribute to our good health for the present and the future is important to us, and now, we have a tool for making it practical as well. This might not seem to relate to anything particularly spiritual on "the grace journey" but hang in there with me - I think it will.

Coach Tammy

Not many people know this but I am a participant in an activity called life coaching. I have engaged the services of Coach Tammy for her expertise working with people like me...people who have more ideas and projects than they know what to do with. I have gotten so frustrated with myself because I suspect I am smart, talented, capable, have good ideas and the ability to see them through. But I get sidetracked. I have a problem with too much structure and being able to make the commitment to see long term projects through. I probably quit too soon on some of the more important "projects" I've been involved with. Smaller projects aren't so much a problem. It's not the desire to make a pillow or quilt that never gets off the ground. It's the big picture - basically, how to have a fulfilling life.

I need help identifying my goals and a strategy to accomplish them. I have lots of ideas and dreams. But which of those are really where I should be investing my time? That's part of the coaching. And once I identify a goal, I have to identify what gets in my way and why. Then, overcome that. Naturally, nothing is ever as easy as it sounds.

Right now I am working on some organizational and planning skills. It's basic, but that's where I am. A good question that came up in our conversation on Wednesday was, "What do you want your daily / weekly life to look like?" The truth is, whatever happens on a daily or weekly basis is my life! So how I fill each day matters. Knowing what to fill it with affects not only my short term satisfaction, but long term fulfillment.

I find I am learning a lot and actually have hope that I can fulfill my God-given purpose. I will use my gifts and talents and abilities and shape a daily and weekly life that - at the end - I won't look back on with regret. I won't be asking, "What if I had pursued that?"

Tammy's website is http://www.renaissanceminds.com/. What made me know she was the coach for me is her understanding of people wired like me - what she calls the Renaissance Mind. If you go to her website you can find that description on the right side of the home page. It was with great pleasure I gave a copy of the article to Wes. "See", I told him, "I'm not ADD - I'm just wired differently than you!" Frankly, what a relief to find someone who understands and will teach me to use my renaissance mind to my advantage instead of allowing it to be one of self defeat.

Why worry?

I can preach it but sometimes I don't live it. Being content whatever the circumstances is hard work sometimes. I say I trust God and I believe He will take care of us and in fact, He always comes through. Why do I worry?
We now have a place to move and a moving day! June 30th. We found a great house in Gilbert and they were asking $200 more a month in rent than our planned budget. So Wes, being Wes, offered them $200 less. And they accepted! I've never heard of someone negotiating rent but we are moving into a fantastic house. Same 3 bedroom 2 bath ranch type we've had in the past but this also has a den and a living room. The decor is such that the owners could leave all of it and I wouldn't change a thing.
Moving day should be interesting and hot! Somewhere in the 100s so we'll be hiring someone to do that for us. I'm excited, I can't wait to be in Gilbert and get connected with people there and with the church.
Matthew 6:34
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

My Hope Has Been Tested This Week

Hope may be something no one can take from me, but this week I just about gave it away. And all because of circumstances.

We're looking for a place to live in Gilbert, AZ. I'm appointed to a church staff there (as a volunteer) and looking for paid employment. Wes is preparing for a trial in Ohio and then will prepare to take the bar in Arizona, looking for work for himself.

We have looked at several homes, put in applications and just missed with the timing. It actually seems harder to rent than to buy. We have one application pending this morning as I write this. I dread having to continue looking.

My employment is uncertain; I want to move forward. I'm disappointed that what I'm called to do brings with it so many obstacles. Churches that ordain women seem to mouth their affirmation more easily than their actions demonstrate. So I have to remember why I do what I do. I asked God "if your yoke is so easy and your burden so light...why is this so hard?" That's when I realize I'm looking at man and forgetting that a supervisor or denomination is not in charge of my future. God is.

Hope springs eternal.

Psalm 25:4-5 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

You Hardly Know Me

I had a rather disturbing phone call this week from someone who has known me for a long time - basically my entire life. And yet she hardly knows me. I believe she cares about me and asked if she could make some observations. I said yes. I listened. And I thought, you hardly know me. I wanted to explain, to describe the real me. Maybe I just needed a reminder, so perhaps what follows is more for me than her.

I haven't talked about this much with you although I try. My fear of rejection or misunderstanding or disapproval stops me. This is too big, too valuable to me to risk that.

Being called to ministry is not a career path I chose. Describing how I know I am called is difficult. I did not hear an audible voice, see a burning bush or have an out of body experience. In my heart I heard God tell me what to do. In my experience God closed other doors. In real life it has been affirmed by those who know me and have seen me or been a recipient of my ministry; it has been publicly confirmed in ordination.

You said that it appears that perhaps I am looking in the wrong place for fulfillment. I understand it looks that way to you. You have so often seen what appears to be failure and obstacles in my path. And it's true, I may have to do something else to financially survive.

Being a woman in ministry is complicated. Following this calling - even though it is from God - does not mean there will not be obstacles or that the way will be easy. Churches that accept women in leadership and ordain women still tend to be mouthing words far more than they practice them. I regret that you see this part of "the church", but it is there.

My specific area of calling is to facilitate the spiritual journey of others (adults) and possibly more specifically, women. I do this through writing, teaching, speaking, and listening. There is nothing else I would rather do - even with the hurdles and lack of opportunity and low (or no) pay. I live to help people connect to God and each other and to help remove the "junk" that interferes with those relationships. I'm working on getting that "junk" out of my way too.

What's So Amazing About Grace?

I just finished reading Yancy's book, again. His focus is on grace - how much we need it, how little we deserve it and sadly, how hard it is for us to extend it to those who differ from us. And it is brimming with hope.

Finding myself quite discouraged about "The Church", Yancy points me to Jesus. While I find living the life I'm called to challenging, full of missed opportunities and disappointment in self and others, Yancy reminds me that God's grace doesn't fail. I am struggling to capture the words to describe what I believe Jesus teaches us about living the life He does, and Yancy directs me to grace. Receiving it - giving it. Not deserving it but accepting it. Loving self, loving others. Being truthful about sin and bountiful with grace. Being forgiven and forgiving.

If you have never read any of Philip Yancy's books, this is a great one to start with. You will experience a full range of emotions and find items to agree with, get mad about, and think long and hard about.

I think "The Church" gets so much wrong so often because we miss grace. We forget the basics. We judge and pronounce verdicts and claim superiority.

I want to choose to focus on the basics - love God, love others. Be gracious.

Romans 15:13 13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

HOPE has a name.

Hope is one thing no one can take from me. This was pointed out by Carol in her comment to my previous post. And she's right...no one but me can take my hope away. God won't. Other people cannot...actually no one but me can lose my hope.
And I have come dangerously close at times. Wondering, waiting, knowing God is my Provider and thinking...almost believing...that He's not there. That He's forgotten me.
But that is not the truth. The last couple of years when everything has been in turmoil, only hope in an unchanging God has kept me going.
I'm in a funk as I write this, physically tired. We're looking for a new place to live, again. Looking for new employment, again. Wes is going to Ohio for a trial and then will be studying for the Arizona BAR. I'm appointed to the staff at church where I want to be yet financially must work elsewhere. Wes is in a good place with his health, but we wait, again, for the magic three month test to assure us of that.
All of this change, some brought by our choices; others because of circumstances we could not control. And wanting to be settled, to make friends and have relationships and stay in one place for a long time.
Hope has a name - Jesus.
But those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

What is HOPE anyway?

I got to thinking this morning that if I'm going to write about HOPE I should be sure I know what it means! I've been clinging to hope, talking about hope, and being hopeful. Today, I wasn't so sure I knew what I was talking about. So just to clarify here are some dictionary definitions:
1. A wish for something with the expectation of fulfillment.
2. To look forward with confidence or expectation.
3. A desire and search for a future good, attained with God's help.
4. A feeling of desire, usually with confidence in the fulfillment of the desire.
5. To expect with confidence.

I think you get the idea. In my own words HOPE might be described as optimism, more confident than a wish, and with some certainty of future attainment; expecting the best - for good reason.
You might ask - optimism in what? Confident about whom? Is it a good idea to have hope about anything we think we want? What is worth putting hope in?
HOPE for the spiritual journey is all found in Jesus Christ. Hope in anything else has the potential to disappoint, hurt, fall through. God is the only One that will not disappoint.
Now I admit, it might seem at times like God has disappointed us. Usually that's because we see with our limited perspective, not with God's eyes. That takes me to Psalm 25. "No one whose HOPE is in You will ever be put to shame."
My Lord and My God, my hope is in You. I know I can rely on You, depend on You, trust You. And I can do so with no fear that I will be put to shame as a result.
How? Because I am learning that the truths found in God's Word do not change and are true just as much for me and you as the day those words were spoken.

Hope for the Journey

It would seem I am entering a new phase of my journey. A journey, unique perhaps in its circumstance, but not unlike yours in that it involves change and uncertainty. The past several months have included frustration, loss, grief, fear and lots of growth. Gotta love that growth! Now I am ready to move forward - whatever that includes. And since the journey is always better shared, that is what I'll be doing. Letting you in on the good/bad/ugly that comes my way. And, letting you in on what sustains me. Planning to share with you my thoughts, opinions and feelings and hoping you will interact and share yours with me.

For several months I've been trying to adjust to changes...changes in ministry, relationships, where we live and life in general. I've explored new options, grumbled at what hasn't gone as desired, and held on to the only hope there is - Jesus.

Hope is what has kept me going. Hope is sometimes all I've got. All you've got if you have experienced circumstances that are beyond your control, not of your choosing and often painful.

HOPE. Where else can I go?

Job said Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him. (Job 13:15)
Ever felt that way? I have. Cut down, slaughtered. Wondering, "how will I ever get up again?" HOPE.

I'll be focusing on hope and why HOPE is what sustains my journey. Here's hoping it will encourage you!