You Hardly Know Me

I had a rather disturbing phone call this week from someone who has known me for a long time - basically my entire life. And yet she hardly knows me. I believe she cares about me and asked if she could make some observations. I said yes. I listened. And I thought, you hardly know me. I wanted to explain, to describe the real me. Maybe I just needed a reminder, so perhaps what follows is more for me than her.

I haven't talked about this much with you although I try. My fear of rejection or misunderstanding or disapproval stops me. This is too big, too valuable to me to risk that.

Being called to ministry is not a career path I chose. Describing how I know I am called is difficult. I did not hear an audible voice, see a burning bush or have an out of body experience. In my heart I heard God tell me what to do. In my experience God closed other doors. In real life it has been affirmed by those who know me and have seen me or been a recipient of my ministry; it has been publicly confirmed in ordination.

You said that it appears that perhaps I am looking in the wrong place for fulfillment. I understand it looks that way to you. You have so often seen what appears to be failure and obstacles in my path. And it's true, I may have to do something else to financially survive.

Being a woman in ministry is complicated. Following this calling - even though it is from God - does not mean there will not be obstacles or that the way will be easy. Churches that accept women in leadership and ordain women still tend to be mouthing words far more than they practice them. I regret that you see this part of "the church", but it is there.

My specific area of calling is to facilitate the spiritual journey of others (adults) and possibly more specifically, women. I do this through writing, teaching, speaking, and listening. There is nothing else I would rather do - even with the hurdles and lack of opportunity and low (or no) pay. I live to help people connect to God and each other and to help remove the "junk" that interferes with those relationships. I'm working on getting that "junk" out of my way too.